Let the Little Children Come: A Brief Guide to Training Children for the Worship of God
Covenantal Worship
What is Covenantal Worship? Covenantal worship is when a church includes the children for the entirety of the service. Obviously a child may need to be disciplined and that may require temporarily stepping out, but we want to inculcate a culture of inclusion rather than exclusion. There are other instances in which it is perfectly acceptable to step out. We want to create an ideal, but be gracious as we work toward it.
A Rabbit Trail Pursuing an ideal brings with it the inherent danger of bitterness whenever the ideal is not met, so it is necessary to step aside and encourage parents who are new to this idea that no one expects perfection. Children make noise. Babies cry. These things happen. New families may also attend whose children have never sat through a service before. We are not here to scare them off, but to help each other along in the process of growing together as a church. So, if you see someone struggling, rather than grumbling, offer help. Whether helping is an option for you or not, we must be gracious to others when they are struggling and we must also be humble enough to accept help and advice, even if it hurts our pride. The goal is not utter silence. Babbling babies are inevitable (and adorable) and should be welcome in our service until they are old enough to sit quietly. Mothers of babies should feel comfortable to ride it out when their baby starts making sounds. Of course, this can get out of hand, but the point remains that perfect quietness is not the ideal. Respectful participation, to the best of their ability, is the goal.
Why Covenantal Worship? Family integrated worship is not a matter of preference, but a matter of obedience. We are called to raise our children as Christians because they are. Our services are family integrated because our children belong to God and are capable of receiving the same benefits as adults. Jesus said that the kingdom of God belongs to children and that we should not put obstacles between our children and the Lord (Mt. 19:13-15). The enemy knows that children are the future and this is why we see all manner of tactics employed to train them in the discipline and admonition of wickedness and we cannot rely on fun activities during church to keep them in the faith. The best defense is a good offense. We are not training children who will grow up afraid to be tainted by the world, but are rather training children whom the world would fear. The only way to do this is to expect much of them. Therefore, our goal is not simply for them to be in the same room and to absorb the information via osmosis, although, more of that happens than we realize. The goal is to train the children to participate in worship from the very beginning. This includes training them how to sit still and quietly during the service and how to participate in the liturgy as well. Having this goal (full participation) in mind helps us determine how we train our children and what is expected of them.
Common Objections (and Responses) Nearly every objection is some iteration of the complaint that it is a lot of hard work that often seems to not bear much fruit. People say that the children are distracting (to parents and others), that they will not learn anything and will disrupt any learning that others might hope to accomplish, and that they will not enjoy the service anyway. Most of this comes down to the fact that training children is really hard. However, the question is not whether it is convenient to include the children, but whether it is right. It would be easier to leave them in another room while we enter the sanctuary, but easier is not always better.
Children who are untrained (or being trained) are distracting. The response is different, depending on who is distracted. Each of us are required to pay attention and block out distractions. Distractions come in many forms--wandering thoughts, a text message, children, etc.--but each of us is required to reign it in and focus. This is not to ignore the fact that if a child makes a scene or is allowed to do anything during the service, this can make the task of focusing unnecessarily challenging. Parents of distracting children--noise is not the only form of distraction--ought to be actively training their children to sit still and to pay attention. Stillness and quietness standards vary from child to child based on any number of factors, but typically people expect far less of their child than he or she is capable of giving. This training process is often distracting for the parents in the moment, but this should be considered motivation to train well rather than haphazardly so that these distractions occur less often.
Children learn much more than most people think. They pick up on culture, habits, words and phrases, sequences, and even sermon content. They pick these things up in the home without even realizing it and it is no different in church. They are learning all the time.
Children may not enjoy every service, but as they learn to participate more, they will enjoy it more. They should be shouting "Amen!" after the songs and singing the liturgical pieces that are repeated each week. They should enjoy the Lord's Supper and know what they are doing during that time as well.
Tips for Training Your Children Expectations will naturally vary depending on children based on any number of variables. Very young children will have a different standard than a 9 year old. In the future we may have children with special needs and I would not expect them to miss the service, even if they make some noise.
Children should be trained as Christians. When we are teaching our children proper behavior, it is couched in terms of sonship and Christian culture. This means that we are explaining why Christians behave this way during church and, as a result, why they, as tiny Christians, are expected to follow along.
Young children may need some additional tools (toys, drinks, etc.). These should be chosen to create the least noise and distraction possible. So, soft toys, water, and things like that.
Monday through Saturday should be considered an opportunity to practice and church services should be considered to be the "game". Your children should be made to sit still/quietly during family worship or other times during the day. You can spend time teaching your child from the liturgy, how they should respond to certain phrases. We cannot expect our children to never be required to sit still or to be quiet and then suddenly know how to do it when we walk into church. It takes practice. Your children's behavior on Sunday is typically a reflection of their behavior at home. Chaos at church is an overflow of chaos in the home. As Christians, we want to train our children to be respectful and obedient at church, but this will only happen as a symptom of a well-ordered house. This is why practice and training at home is absolutely key.
Communicate expectations to your children during the week and remind them before you get to church. If you have communicated clear rules to your children, then when they disobey the standard, they must be disciplined (and quickly). This may not require you to leave the service, depending on the measures you are taking for the given offense. However, feel free to take your child to the bathroom for further instruction, if necessary.
Return to the service as quickly as possible. A common temptation for young parents is to leave the service and to be too embarrassed to return, in case the child acts out again. However, the goal in removal is to get the child ready for re-entry. Leave the room, discipline, comfort the child, and then return.
When returning is not possible, do not reward bad behavior. Sometimes children are just having difficult days and after multiple trips out for discipline, you may just decide to stay out in the lobby for the remainder of the service. It should not be considered an option to use this as a time to let the child play or to get some other form of reward (watching TV on a phone, for example). If you reward their bad behavior, then you are teaching them that acting out gets them a reward and you can expect that to occur more frequently, if that is the case.
Choose a seat that allows for you to step out without much distraction, if necessary. That does not always mean sitting in the very back, but as you are working on the basics, front and center is probably not necessary.
Sundays should be celebratory. Desserts on Sundays, more singing, and other forms of joy are helpful ways to make that day special. If Sundays are known as the day when everything gets serious, then you may be able to train them to be quiet, but you will not train them to love God and to participate with a full heart.
Tips for Those Without Children Be patient and gracious. Offer to help. Older people are in a unique situation because you have the opportunity to help younger parents, sharing the wisdom they have gained from years of parenting and training children. Ask if another family would like you to have one or two of their children sit with you. Offer to sit with them. Ask if they need help. Couples without children can do the same. They may not have the experience, but this is a good way to serve while getting useful experience with this kind of thing.
Helpful Scriptures "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul." Proverbs 19:17
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
"Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, 'Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.' And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence." Matthew 19:13-15
"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
